5 years ago today

Five years ago today, Jon and I were married. We've been through so much in those five years. We've been through the best times and the absolute worst in those years. While we each have our faults - plenty of them! - I cannot think of anyone that I would rather experience the ups and downs of life with. Even through our difficulties, we've managed to come through them and - in many ways - be stronger together. I cannot imagine life without him, nor would I wish to.

Jon painting our new place

He's my hero, my friend, my handyman, my confidant, my lover, my husband. I'm so glad to have met and started a life with him. Even though we've been through hell, I'm so glad to have him in my life.

Jon, here's to five years and - I can only hope - a great many more. I love you.

Moving day

We moved today. It was somewhat spur of the moment - we decided it last Wednesday! - but we had to get out. We felt that, to ensure the safety of our remaining children, we had to move. There are too many people with odd illnesses, too many children have died - Elias was the third - in that neighborhood. The more we learned, the more we knew we had to go.

Luckily we were able to arrange enough people to help us even though it was very last minute.

Two months today

It's hard to fathom that Elias has been dead two months now. He should have been at home, playing trains and fighting with Noah over whether they should watch Chuggington or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

It's hard to even know what to say here. What I do know is that the support and outreach that we have received from so many people has made everything a little more bearable.

I'm sorry that I cannot write more... I know I have not written much lately. Things have just been so intense that I haven't been able to even think about writing.

We are moving the bulk of our belongings tomorrow. We have to get out of Whitestown. I cannot bear to lose another child and I very much fear that, if we continue to live there, it may happen. After all, as many already know, Elias was the third child to die in our neighborhood since last October/November. My fear is that it is just a matter of time.

I miss you so much, little buddy. 

It just keeps getting better

Oh, this is rich. We got taken off of the VetBiz.gov registry because we didn't update. We didn't update because we didn't know we were supposed to. Without being on the VetBiz list, we can no longer do work for the City of Indianapolis as a Veteran Owned Business, which was a large chunk of our work. We just had to resubmit everything all over again on the VetBiz website. Guess what? It'll take 60-90 days to get approved. That's what they said the first time. It took nine months. I guess this is some new thing that got passed only it seems they neglected to actually notify us. Let me guess, I can probably thank some politician for this one.

So, not only have we had to bury our son but now our company is dead in the water. Thanks to all the fucking bullshit bureaucracy odds are very good we won't be able to actually keep our company open. What the hell are we going to do? How the fuck are we going to support our family now??

Life fucking sucks, and it just keeps getting worse. 

Happy Birthday Elias

Yesterday would should have been Bow's fourth birthday. I just don't even begin to understand why things happen the way they do. What I do know? That it's just not fair, or right.

I had such high hopes for our little guy. I wanted to watch him grow into a man because I just knew that he would be such a good man. I was so certain that he would change the world, even if just in his own small corner of it. I guess in a way, he did. It's just not what I had in mind.

Everyone went to the cemetery yesterday at 5:30 and, after a little while when everyone was ready, we released pink and purple balloons in his honor.

Not exactly the sort of birthday celebration I had in mind two months ago.

I found some poems that I very much wanted to read but just couldn't quite get brave enough to do it so I'll post them here instead:

Tiny Angels
Author Unknown

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

 

The Cord
Author Unknown

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Lullaby
Tara Simms

What I wouldn't give
To have you in my arms again,
Breathe your scent
And snuggle close to you.
I want to watch you sleep,
See your chest rise and fall
In peaceful slumber.
Let me lay my hand
Over your heart,
So I can
Feel it beating
Beneath my touch.
I want to be
Lulled to sleep
By its rhythm.

 

The Clock Ticks On
Kathleen P. Leach

The clock ticks on
While my soul bleeds slowly
And the aching of my empty arms
Cries softly, like a child in the night
I examine the hole in my Self
That remains where once a baby smiled at me amidst diapers and worries
And long sleepless nights
That then were spent in caring
But now are spent in silent dry tears
Listening
As the clock ticks on

One whole month

I cannot believe that it's been a month since Elias died. I just can't.

You know what's really screwed up? The way yesterday went, I would have thought it had been the one month anniversary, not today. Yesterday, I got up late. Henry actually slept in 'til after 8. Roberta took him downstairs to have breakfast but Noah was still asleep on the futon in the loft. I started getting ready, stopping every few moments to check on him. I was just sure I was going to come in to find him lying there, dead. Finally, he awoke. You cannot imagine the relief I felt then.

Since Noah had slept, per the norm, in just his diaper, I asked him if he wanted to get some clothes. He did. We went to the closet that he shares with Ceili Fey. While he got sidetracked by something in her bedroom, I proceeded to look through the clothes. I came across one of Bow's favorite shirts, the one that make him look like Buzz Lightyear from the front and back. It was then that I finally finally lost it. I just couldn't hold it in any longer.

Noah came in just then and looked at me. I managed to sidetrack him by having him help pick out a shirt. A Steelers jersey. One of Elias', naturally.

I then headed to the office where the day didn't get much better. I lost it in the car. It seems I do a lot of losing it lately, no matter how hard I try not to. I fell apart when I was on the phone with Jon. I can just tell that it annoys him when I do that. He doesn't go out of his way to hide his annoyance. It's not exactly something I can control, although I do try. 


At 10, we had a phone conference that, we thought, would determine whether or not the bank is willing to work with us to stay in our house. We got behind in our mortgage. It's pretty hard to pay the mortgage when we have to choose between paying it and buying groceries and keeping lights and heat on. We're self-employed and our income relies on our clients to pay us. When we have jobs that we are subcontractors for, some of those firms do any- and everything they can to avoid having to pay in a reasonable period. So, it's pretty hard to pay a mortgage when the money isn't there.

At first, when we weren't too horribly far behind, we tried to scrape together part of the amount we were behind and then come up with the remainder in another few weeks. The bank would only take the full amount. Yeah, that's just not possible. Unfortunately, we wound up having to use it. Which is what I had predicted and why I wanted them to take it in the first place!! In any event, our case is really convoluted because our name is not actually on the mortgage. My mother, who doesn't live there, holds the mortgage. My mother, that's on Social Security and doesn't work because she was told that, with her terminal diagnosis, she can't. We were simply buying the house on contract from her.

It was so obvious that the bank's attorney doesn't give a shit and has zero interest in us keeping our house. Per their normal thing, he sent out a list of documents the bank needs as well as some forms that we have to fill out. Again, not too sure how that works when Jon and I are the ones that had been making the payment, not my mother.

Yes, we'll fill out the bank's forms and send back the requested docs but it's quite apparent to me that Chase really wants another house to add to the ever-growing collection in our neighborhood. I'm sure they'll have a great time selling it, especially when people find out that a child died there and that he was the third child to die in that neighborhood since October 2011. But, hey, whatever. I guess Chase Bank needs our house more than we do. Supposedly, once they get the paperwork in, they'll make a final decision, or whatever. I'm not holding my breath that they'll be willing to work something out to let us keep it.

In any case, life is pretty much shit right now.

Four weeks

Sunday was four weeks since Elias died. I feel bad that I didn't write anything Sunday. Not that it matters. It won't bring him back.

Saturday we had our niece's birthday party. Sunday we had my Mom's birthday party.

Also, for supper Sunday, we went to the Mexican restaurant up the road from us. The one where, when he was younger and smaller, they used to take Elias back to the kitchen with them when they made guacamole for him. It was always one of Elias' favorite place to eat. As we were at the register paying for our meal, one of the usual waiters asked us where the other amigo was. At that point, it was all I could do to stammer out that he had died four weeks ago that day. I felt bad for him because I know he felt bad and there's no way he could have known. He took my hand and held it for a few moments. He seemed very saddened by the news. As we were leaving, even though I don't speak Spanish, I got the impression that some of the other waiters who were nearby were questioning him about what just took place and he was explaining to them.

Last Thursday evening, I found myself seated on the floor with Noah in my lap and Ceili Fey close by. Noah looked again at the pictures in the locket I was wearing and told me that Bow was dead. I know I had just told him that a few hours prior, but it was so hard to hear. Just so hard to hear from him. I know that he doesn't really know what "dead" even means, other than not with him anymore.

Jon and I have an appointment this Friday to meet with a therapist. I suppose it's good timing since not only is this Sunday - did I mention I HATE Sundays now?? - Easter Sunday but Monday would have been Elias' fourth birthday. Talk about a double whammy. I can only imagine the appointment will do us both some good. I can't stop randomly crying and Jon is so angry - way more so than he normally is - that some days it feels like all he does is yell and berate me. I just can't stand it.

I bought some books for the kids that I thought might help them. Did you know our local library (Lebanon, Indiana) does not have any children's book about death and/or grief?? My mom checked. They said no. As we go, I will try to post about the best ones I bought in the hopes that it might help someone else. I will probably buy 2-3 of the ones I liked best to donate to the library in Elias' memory. It seems fitting. He loved being read to.

Bow is gone

Yesterday, Roberta brought Henry and Noah to the office for lunch. As we were getting them into their car seats to go to the restaurant, Noah looked at the locket I was wearing. He wanted to see the pictures. I opened it and showed him. He said, "That's Bow!" to which I replied, "Yes". He then said, "Bow is gone" to which I replied, sadly, "Yes". He then said something about Bow going to the doctor. I guess in Noah's mind, Elias is still at the doctor/hospital, which is where he was told Bow was being taken that day, the day that he never came back home. I then said, "No, buddy. Bow is dead, Bow is gone". He then wanted to know where Bow was. I told him, "Heaven, I hope, but I just don't know".

3 weeks today

It's been three weeks today. I hate Sundays now.

Yesterday I realized that I get a double whammy here in a couple weeks. Easter Sunday on the 8th, followed by Elias' birthday on the 9th. I can't do this. I don't know how.

Last night we had a big scare. Ceili Fey started freaking out, yelling for me/us to come upstairs. Jon and I about knocked each other down trying to get to the stairs, thinking the worst. I truly expected to find Noah dead or dying. She meets us on the landing - she's crying - and tells us that Uber (our big, old, gray cat) just bit one of the glow bracelets that she and Noah were playing with in bed. She's terrified Uber is going to die.

It took forever for my heart-rate to get back to normal.

Then earlier, Noah looked at a picture of Elias. When I asked him who it was, he said he didn't know. I was so scared that Noah had already forgotten him. Luckily, tonight when Noah "snuck" back downstairs, and looked at a picture of Elias, he pointed and said, "Bow!" I felt like I could breathe a little bit more then.

I was given a locket shortly after Elias' death that I have worn several times. Last week, when I was wearing it, Noah kept coming up to see the pictures inside. Since I don't think they make lockets for little boys, I bought him a 2 Sided Dog Tag necklace from Daddy Dolls - a great website that caters to children of deployed military parents - that I think he'll love. I also found a place that shrinks photos to locket size so that Ceili Fey can have pictures of Bow for her locket as well.

I think at some point in the future, I will buy either the photo pillow or the photo pillowcases for the kids. I will probably let Ceili Fey pick out her favorite pictures of Elias to include.

Perhaps I should be glad that we've made it through another day, another week beyond losing our wonderful son. I just can't. All I can focus on are the things that he'll never get to experience, or the places he'll never get to go again... the thought of going on a vacation without him is unbearable to me. I cannot stand the knowledge that I'll never get to hear his infectious laughter ever again. How the fuck do you just go on from here?? HOW????? And I'm so angry. I'm angry that it was my son! I'm angry that so many other people's children lived after contracting RSV. I'm angry that there are little 3 - almost 4 - year old boys that are alive right now, and MINE ISN'T. That's. Just. Not. Fucking. Fair.

Shit week

I'm just having a shit time of things right now; have been all week, really. I just keep bouncing back and forth between being pissed off at the world and crying my eyes out. It doesn't take much before I start crying. I'm having a very hard time keeping it together right now. It feels as though things are getting worse instead of better.

Right now, sitting in the office alone doesn't help any. 

I woke up this morning, knowing full well that today was the two week anniversary of Elias' funeral. That is a kind of pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

We went to the cemetery the other day after lunch. So far, we've picked out the stone but not what we want on it. So, at present, the only thing there, besides fresh-ish dirt, is a small plaque that lists his name and birth year and death year. I'm not sure I can bring myself to go back, but I feel like I need to. I just don't know what to do. I guess I just won't worry about it at present. I just can't.

I honestly think that, if it weren't for my other kids, I'm not sure how I'd manage to go on living. This just hurts so bad.

Yesterday, Jon and I met with a local pastor who wanted to meet us and see if there was anything they could do to help. What Jon said to him cleared up a lot for me. Apparently Jon is doing the same thing that he did when he was in Afghanistan, which was, keep as busy as possible so you don't have to think about things. He mentioned "fake it 'til you make it". Yeah, not at all reassuring to me. How do you do that?? I wish I knew.